I woke up on Tuesday feeling like dog shit. I had a sore throat, bad cough, congested nasal cavity, no energy, and a touch of AIDS. Only I would get sick 2 days before our first show. I’m sure there are numerous reasons why I quickly became so ill: A 45 hour car ride across the country with minimal sleep, followed by an all-night party at the Corn Roast. Or maybe the hooker I bought at exit 162 in Amarillo, Texas was lying when she claimed she gets tested religiously for diseases. Either way I was sick all week, but of course I had to gather my inner Michael Jordan, like when he played against Portland in the 1992 Finals and had a career first half with a 103 degree fever. No, I’m not comparing myself to Michael Jordan, because I will leave a much greater mark on this earth than Jordan. Anyway, I mustered my strength for last night’s show for the men of Delta Sigma Phi @ Purdue University.
Myself, Chicago comedians Ryan Budds and Anthony Sarfino performed for a very dry Rush event at Purdue University. Like most Rush events the audience was 90% dudes. And like most Rush events there was absolutely no booze. I don’t mind performing sober shows, because most shows are followed by after parties. However my fellow Delta Sigma Phi brothers at Purdue are currently on social probation. The reason they are on probation is absolutely hilarious. Apparently last semester one of their former fraternity brothers was blacked out drunk and went down on a girl who was passed out. Making matters worse was the fact that another one of their fraternity brothers took a picture of this utterly disturbing scenario and then sent out the pic to the entire fraternity. Of course the pic was leaked, hence the social probation. It baffles my mind that anyone would enjoy eating some passed out Vag, than again I would blow a man for 10 White Castle burgers when I’m drunk, so who am I to judge? What was even more disturbing was the fact that the guy who took the pic of this drunken debacle had his little brothers rushing the same fraternity. He was a Rushee in the audience and wore a creepy shirt about LSD and sex, so clearly sexual perversion runs in the family.
Anyway, that was the main highlight of the show. There was no after party or any ridiculous stories from the first show. However I’m quite sure the Travelodge where I stayed was run by an Indian serial killer. The place was creepy as hell and it felt like a ghost town, which was really messing with my mind when I attempting a post-show whack off session in the hotel room. Not to mention I probably now have bed bugs, lice and a curry smell on all my clothes. Either way I made it home today and will be back on the road next week with shows @ Ball State and Kansas University. I’m sure the retarded drunken stories will begin next week and I just hope that I don’t decide to go muff diving on someone who can’t breathe like my Delta Sig friends at Purdue.